WOW

I just watched a video called the Invisible Children (rough cut). In the spring of 2003, three young American men traveled to Africa in search of a story that could change the world. It is both a disgusting an inspiring story that made my heart go "Mannnnnn." It is a film that exposes the 20 year-long war on the children of Northern Uganda. And how they mostly live in fear of being abducted by rebel forces and forced to fight as part of the violent army. Jeannine Smith, the Founder of Small Village Foundation, and the mission organizer for my mission to South Africa gave it to me to view as an example for the kind of feel we would like to perhaps portray during the mission. Obviously we probably will not encounter violence - but something deeply moving - that inspires individuals to be involved. We need to see that Africa along with many other mishaps of the world as world problems - humanities problems, that together we can help one another - that we are not separate from our brothers and sisters who live here on Mother Earth. It is very easy for people to make excuses or to be detached when it is out of sight out of mind. I know a handful of people who think that the power of one is nothing - when in fact - a ripple eventually becomes a tidal wave.
I was just outside in the studio talking to Jeff about the movie. I was crying while I was talking - it really rocks your core. I feel like the Universe is putting things into motion for me, unfolding my destiny. I have always wanted to start a non-profit where I could bring necessities to needy communities in the Philippines (my momma's home country) - yet now I think that God is directing me to South Africa. In hindsight it is enlightening when you start to see how things were put in motion - long before you are aware of the direction. The journey has already begun - I will now for the next four to five months immerse myself into African history - watch movies, read books, get creative in gaining sponsorship for my trip as well as funding a play pump for a village. Life is an amazing thing - and when one gets involved on the heart level it's powerful.
Be not afraid.

Vacation all I ever wanted...

Vacation had to get away...vacation. I desperately need a vacation. A minimum of 365 days would do. I just completed my Masters on Tuesday. I have been on vacation from any kind of housework and so forth for the past five days. I've been gearing up for the Holidays sorta - we picked up our tree and some decorations. You can only guess with the Broncos going to the Fiesta Bowl that our tree is in fact blue and orange and we're going to top it with a minature helmet.
I went to Market this Saturday. It poured a little, all in all a great day. I went to a show after the Market with Mike at Paul & Mary's. I made a little money, and the money I made I spent. It was a great afternoon mingling with other artist and talking about life. It is enlightening when you meet new people who are of similar mind - itt doesn't matter where you fo or what you do you always manage to fill your circle with similar people. Never two alike, but of similar philosophies - always complementary.
So - I cancled my plans for Hawaii and am going to Centacow, South Africa instead. Funny how the Universe listens. I am going on a mission trip with the Small Village Foundation May 30 - June 15, 2007 with a group of young adults. Originally the mission team was full then a gentleman couldn't go and a spot opened up. I meet with Jeannine on Tuesday to find out what the mission entails. My primary objective is to be the photo, video, journalistic documentator. I am a bit scared or leary to be away from Te for two weeks, yet I know all things will be grand in my absence. I will just miss my sweet boy.
Great things are knocking at the door. I need to be open and fearless.

Febrile Seizure

Today is suppose to be the last official day of my MBA study, however, instead of completing my project at this moment I am blogging instead. A lot has happened since my last note. It seems there are always new challenges stretching my faith and trust in the dynamic world we live in.
Te picked up a cold around the 10th of November that lingered for about ten days. We managed to manage the cold great and steered clear of the wheezes. Two days after the cold seemed clear out Te picked up a lovely belly bug which lasted for about a day and a half - in conjunction with getting the flu shot - so it could of all been relative. So for Thanksgiving we decided to stay home from Salt Lake - our friend Ryan sprang on that he wanted to rent our little house - so something that had not been a priority for a long time suddenly had to be done, and done quickly. Instead of having five days off from work - I worked almost every day through the holiday which took away from my study time in my original attempt to complete my class early. Who am I fooling? I always work best under the gun - the last minute gun. Anyways - Jeff spent most of his free time working on the house. Granted we all had a nice holiday it culminated in Te picking up yet another viral thing sometime during the week and having a febrile seizure Sunday (26) at about 840ish.
Talk about a surreal experience. Little buddy had been feverish all day and I was managing it with Tylenol - now I know the trick of alternating between Motrin and Tylenol every three hours - however, that does not reduce the possibilty of having a febrile seizure. Te was sitting next to me on the couch when he starting convulsing. Flipping scarier then shit...I knew what was happening or assumed I did, I've read about them. All my reading is not wasted time or energy. I picked him up held in on my side in my arms - told Jeff to call 911 and I was looking out the window to see if my neighbor Gus' lights were on. They were and I hussled out the door - he was actually outside taking out his garbage and I asked him if he could help me, he's a nurse anesthesis (?). We laid Te on his side in their living room and the paramedics were at the house about three minutes later. The seizure probably lasted about four minutes. Te and I rode the ambulance to the hospital. We could of probably managed without the ambulance ride - however, when you are riding unchartered territory - it just eliminates the undue additional stress. All in all, we learned that febrile seizures do not cause any harm, that he more then likely will not have another. His temperature was 105+ when we checked into the ER. It is not so much how high the temperature gets it is how fast it goes up or down. The least I can say is we have definitely had our fare share of growing experiences this year. As I complete this chapter of my life I see great things are knocking at our door.
We just bought another kiln and another potters wheel. Jeff has been a busy bee again which gets me excited. Now that I will be done with school when the little man goes to bed I myself will be able to go out into the studio and work a couple hours a night. It is going to be awesome to be able to let my creative juices flow and flourish.
Also - remember to root for those Boise State Broncos on New Years Day when we take on the Oklahoma Sooners! Jeff is going for the three day gala - I am flying the day of the game. Since Te gets asthmatic with colds and now has had a febrile seizure Grandpa Tom is a little leary staying home alone overnight with Te. Understandable - except when you're with the little guy all the time - the challenging times are mostly fast forgotten since he's so busy and such an enlightening experience.
GO BRONCOS! And the funny thing is - they're playing in Cardinal Stadium - sponsored by my soon to be alma mater, UoP.

Changing Behavior

I think one of the hardest parts to being a momma is listening to your child cry your name when you know you have to let them continue to cry so that everyone can create a new behavior. Right now I a teaching Te how to put himself to bed, I enjoy laying down with my son, however there are times when I lay with him up to 40 minutes where most of the time momma falls asleep for the rest of the night. Falling asleep with Te would not be such a big deal except I always have such a full plate that there are many things I need to work on once Te goes to bed...one of them being school, another being inventory for Market, homework from work - you name it - I always have something that needs to be done.
The past few days I myself am creating new behavior. My plan is to work myself up to getting up at 430/5am so it allows me to get to work earlier so I can get off earlier and have more of my day to spend quality time with Te. If I can get to work by 530/6am I can come home by 130pm and have a good eight hours to hang, play, and learn with Te. Normally I leave for work around 945/10am which lets me leisurely wake up with Te and get him started for the day, the downfall is I don't get home until 630/7pm and thus only have a couple hours to enjoy Te time. So I want to change that so I have more time for Te, Jeff, and myself.
I have four more weeks of school left - talk about being excited for a new chapter! It's like I am going to have a new lease on life. I need to start making my garden plans, marketing my photography and designing, busting out inventory for next Market season...the story of my life. Go, go, go - except once I turn my days around I'll be hiking in the afternoons with my kid on my back or at my heels. I cannot wait to feel like I have my life back. It is hard not to lose yourself when you go to school no matter how hard one tries.
Always remember to love life and be grateful for this experience.

Happy Halloween

Kobe, Te, Devin 2006

Reality Check

Boy - sometimes reality slaps you in the face and brings you back to earth. This past weekend (10-14-06) was both awesome and traumatic. Friday night Jeff and I went to our friends, the Woodalls, for a rager in Hidden Springs. It was funny since Jeff took a detour down Dry Creek and I told him it really felt like we were going to a rager traveling down a dirt road where the night sky was clear. I have really been practicing just being - trying to eliminate criticism and work from my core with love. Prior to shifting my brain on the dirt road ride - I had told Jeff that if I was driving I would of taken the more leisurely route through town. Hitting the dirt road made our ride more leisurely after we got off the fast pace of Hwy 55. Jeff is always in a hurry and normally I am trying to smell the roses. So it was rather ironic - cause I was partly annoyed with him going the fast lane. However, I acknowledged the fact to Jeff that he had taken a serious detour and then the light switched in my head - I rolled down the window and started drinking in the nice distraction of being consumed by the cool crisp fall air. Once Dry Creek teed into Seaman's Gulch I pointed South and told Jeff to go right. Ironically he followed my lead which is very abnormal - and within a half mile we were at our destination. The detour Jeff took was a spontaneous one - we both knew it would eventually take us where we were going - just how was not certain. It was a great night out after spending the previous weekend in the hospital due to Te's asthma acting up.

Saturday was also a great day. We hadn't been to Market for two weeks since we were in SLC for a football game, and then Te was in the hospital. They forgot to chalk our space in and so I made room for us and enjoyed a beautiful bluebird fall day. Spent a great evening hanging out - just me and Te - then I was a dumbass and left the room with Te and Stan (our dog) alone while I went to the bathroom. Te must of got up at the same time I did and got in Stan's face. Stan was cornered and had nowhere to go - resulting in Te getting nipped on the nose. The nip resulted in Te falling and doing a banger on his forehead - all in all - resulting in 11 stitches. Talk about trauma. Jeff was at some UFC kind of thing and so I had to recruit the neighbors to take us to the ER Jeff does not deal well with stress so I definitely got an earful. My weekend started out great - then it got sour fast.

Glimpse

Brainstorm

I am starting to feel my heart opening - it tingles - it is very liberating and I am thankful for that. All the junk we chose to pack close to our heart, constricting it and not allowing our hearts to give love. People talk about love, but do they really mean love. This is a wonderful ride I am on now - realizing by loving it enables you to let go - in every sense - be it one's spirit dancing to stares - who cares. Grounded in spirit.

I am feeling pretty great right now. I was just settling in to figuring out how I want this year's Market calendar to look and as always when I get a chance to be creative my brain goes on overload with ideas. I decided in my obnoxious brainstorm that as soon as school ends and the Market ceases for four months - I will sit down and write a grant. A grant to fund my documentary series on the lives of the producers - farmers, artisans, etc. Bringing the identity home - creating awareness and appreciation , memories. Still images. I am in a unique position since I have been a part of the Market family for three years, I know a lot of the vendors, am quite sociable if I say so myself, flexible. Intuitively this is what I hear myself saying I need to do, I will do, and it will be recognized. Not so much recognition for me - but recogntion of how important it is to sustain what we have, nurture it and help it grow. If we let a few do a job for millions, eventually the few die off and so do the millions.

It is something I can pay myself to do so that I can take time away from the printshop to work on the project with Te in tow - a friend in tow - who knows. Opening people's heart. It might be a one year project - or a forever project - which is beautiful by me.

Following the ebbs and flows of the producers.

Heart song. Heart opening, heart growing, heart singing. Bringing it home.

Love is everything, It has no conditions

I have been reading this book about Love by Deepak Chopra. It is good for my spirit. Since I finished my last class, Market Research, last Monday I have been on this quest towards liberating my soul. I feel great things are coming and am opening myself up to all possibilities. Instead of being my own worse judge - I am surrendering to love. Loving myself enables me to love others more completely. To have gratitude. It is something I have been seeking my whole life. Recognizing my spirit. I have six more weeks of class and then my Masters is complete. Right now I am remembering how to Master myself. Love is spirit. It is hard for us to remember what it is like to feel divine - I will remember, I want to remember in my conscious state. To be liberated - actively pursuing freedom - freedom of spirit.

Roadtrip to Sandpoint

This past week was my first road trip by myself in many moons. I have not driven myself across the state in probably ten years without a driving companion. Te came along for the ride - and I learned what life was like on the road as a single parent. Although challenging it was very rewarding - and I realized how much I missed my driving independence. Once I finish my MBA I am ready to start road-tripping it when I get a crazy hair and feel like venturing home to Sandpoint. When I originally left town on Thurs. (Aug. 24) I had anticipated taking I-84. However, upon my departure I was frustrated by the traffic traveling West due to an accident. I flipped a "U"ie on State Hwy something and said, screw it, I am going North. So once I hit Hwy 55 it was clean sailing. No annoying traffic - just me, my kid, the river, and the road.

I had been yearning for a roadtrip for a few weeks - I was very indecisive about whether I was flying or if I was driving to Sandpoint. Traveling by air is convenient with a toddler, however, it can be challenging when you are trying to figure out what is really necessary for a week on the water, and North Idaho weather. When I decided to drive I knew it would give me back some liberation, a bit of freeing of my soul, allowing my self to have conversations with those that have crossed over and a bit of alone time to drink in. Granted Te was in the rear - it was still an opportunity to be free. It was kind of funny - I've become so empathetic and full of emotion - when I got to the trees and smelt their yumminess on my ascent I started to cry. I realized how important trees are to me - they are much of who I am. Although I have thrived in the desert valley of Boise, Idaho - I really, really miss the scent and source of power that trees represent. Trees remind me of home.

Anyways - we were fortunate enough on our roadtrip outside of McCall to see a beautiful deer illuminated in the dusk light looking powerful, beautiful, and empowering on a rise in the road. Accompanied by many of her girlfriends of course. What I love about traveling home to Sandpoint is that the road feels like it's has been imprinted onto my soul. I say that because I could tell you most of the routes through Idaho to get me from Point A (South Idaho) to Point B (North Idaho) - or through Oregon or through Washington from all the numerous road trips I use to take with my Grandma Wilson, my dad, and by myself.

Our trip home included a golf benefit for Deana Dillon, one wedding for Molly and Luke, another wedding for Denise and Dave, reunion with Errin Ford & family and Brian Graves, and finally Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease (HFMD). Yep, HFMD is another story. We got to see a lot of old and great friends at Molly's wedding which was hosted by Alex and Laura Wohleib. And more old and great friends at Marley Beach on Sunday when Errin Ford and his family (Lyza and Ella-roo), along with Brian Graves ventured out. Not only that - Te and I were able to reconnect with Kim Kocher and her son Jackson who is two weeks younger then Te. Kim is from Boise and we became acquainted through mutual friends - she moved to Sandpoint to work for Coldwater Creek and Jackson happens to be one of Te's first buddies. Gotta keep that alive :)

When Te and I ventured home on Wed we took a detour through St Maries in route to Fernwood to check out the Nodzu family's property. I was suppose to turn left onto Hwy 5 - missed it, didn't want to turn around, and said I'll do it next time. I actually have not driven Hwy 3 south to Moscow before so it was a bit of an adventure. Made me remember why I hate meeting up with logging trucks on narrow roads! I got to see Princeton and Harvard and a bunch of landscape that was great to drink in from a different persepective. It was nice. I love Idaho - I love life. Just making myself memories and making myself remember.

Remembering Life

Sometimes sad news comes in waves...I've been riding many waves the past couple of months. This morning around 11am I received a phone call from my cousin Janene that my Great-Uncle Eddy passed the night before. It had been expected for awhile now, and last week they had hospice come in. A reminder all the same that life is short and sweet and you better drink it in while you can.

Around 130pm I received another call from Chrissy that our friend Jenny Guthrie had passed. This has us all in an utter state of shock. This is Jenny. Young, vibrant, 34. It's not normal. We are still waiting for the details of what happened. It was said she had been having headaches and she went into the hospital to get checked. They ran some tests and sent her home with Vicadin. She took some Vicadin, took a nap, and never woke up. She leaves behind a beautiful nine year old daughter, her mom, her dad, three sisters, a brother, a husband,a step-son, nieces and nephews - friends. She just celebrated her first anniversary.

Jenny Josephine Guthrie we will miss you.

Smokin'

The other night I smoked some weed and it helped me shift gears. It helped me shift from the over-the-top-fast-forward-no-time-for-roses speed to relax-feel-grounded-can tap into my emotions - and release mode speed. What is sort of ironic looking backwards to Saturday is the fact that a lady came through my booth at the Market and asked if one of our prints was a marijuana leaf. I told her no, it was a Japanese maple. We then pursued a conversation about her daughter who grows it for medicinal purposes in Northern California. This mother is an advocate for marijuana because of how it has helped her daughter deal with the pain that cancer has played upon her body. I told her I personally thought it should be legalized, she agreed - or not so much legalized she said, just not criminal.

To talk about it's healing property within my own personal soul is a good story for me to remember. Throughout my life I have dealt with many deaths - people close to me, friends and family. From 15 to 18 I experienced the death of my grandparents who raised me, four very close friends, and one schoolmate. Since then I have experienced a handful more. I have always had this knack for suspending my emotions.

Three years ago, my great friend, neighbor, and teacher passed at the ripe age of 97 and a half. I believe we must of had a past life connection or made some sort of agreement before descending on this Earth to one day make friends and I would help him towards his transition. The first day I saw my sweet friend, Harry Warr, was the day we looked at our house to purchase in 1997 and I saw this little old man with his sun hat on standing in the shade of his garage with a hoe in his hand. I remember telling God that I hoped he lived long enough for him to become my friend. Harry at the time of his passing, in June 2002, had become one of my very best friends. Reflecting back I think he was preparing me for the death of my father. Harry was old the day I met him - I knew he didn't have a long existence ahead of him - and I knew in order for me to truly learn from him I had to open my heart. I took care of Harry like a daughter would take care of her father - he was a bachelor, never married - and did not like to depend on his family. However with me and through our trusted friendship Harry felt comfortable leaning on me - I made an agreement with him that as long as I could care for him I would help him stay in his home. While on vacation in Ocean Shores, WA for my mom's 50th birthday Harry had a fall - broke his leg - and had to go into a nursing home to be rehabilitated. During his stay his younger brother Dorsey (95) had contracted pneumonia and was sick in the hospital for a week, and then passed. A day and half after Dorsey passed, Harry let go. Having a month a part helped ease the transition for both of us. Since Harry passed I selectively shut off my heart. Then came Te.

So going back to Saturday and taking a hit to relax I started thinking about my dad. What a beautiful and sincere soul he is and what lessons he has taught me about this life. I was chatting to Jeff about how much dad liked to dance - and it made me realize that I want to live my life where I feel like my spirit is always dancing and rejoicing. (I have not smelt the roses in moons - my plate is plenty full - I look forward to December where I will regain some sanity back. ) With that thought and my continuous philisophical babbling Jeff pondered if I was going to talk for an hour - I said no, and went downstairs to admire Te sleeping. I was already sad and crying a little - then I sat on my bed and sobbed with my whole body as I had a conversation with my dad in my head. I was reflecting on really how humorous it was that I was telling him everything I would be telling him in the physical world inside my head. As I sobbed over my emotions for my father I began to feel liberated, the sobbing was helping me release all the pent up sad emotions that I pack around my heart. I actually felt like I could breath easier if you will. I realized while sobbing that I need to do it more often, I need to feel completely with all of my being, that it is OK to be vulnerable, and that I need to have these emotions to heal. By allowing myself to have these emotions that I so willingly like to hide - it is helpimg me work towards attaining a fuller life. Call me crazy - all this babble from one hit - but that's what it takes to make this chic come down a level, to smell the roses, and really drink life in.

The Gods are Talking...

I have this bad habit of drinking expensive coffee. I keep telling myself I need to quit to support my new glass passion. Yesterday I went to my regular coffee stand, Executive Coffee, and waited in line for more then ten minutes with only one car in front of me. Who knows what they ordered. I was already late for work - so I could wait no longer - and decided to hit my old coffee house on Vista, Moxie Java. I got out of the car and rambled inside to again be detoured by more then a ten minute wait. This time the two people in front of me ordered 16 coffees to go! I should of walked out after my second eternal wait -but persisted - and was rewarded with a free coffee and free breakfast burrito due to a shift change. Later in the day, about 330pm, I decided I needed yet another coffee. The Gods were seriously trying to detour me for sure - since I ran into a parked car, my brother-in-law's that is. Fortunate for me I didn't damage my truck, and his car was already beat up from a previous accident. All the same - my lack of paying attention and my coffee fixation resulted in carelessness.

Life still moving too fast

Boy - I'll be happy as pig in shit come Dec. 4. It's a monumental date since I will finally be done with school. Life is still on overdrive. Adding a few glass fusing classes to my current life schedule has limited me on just quiet time for myself. Or, at least productive quiet time where I am suppose to be doing homework and instead I feel like cruising the Internet or the T.V. to learn about home improvement projects. Jeff, Te, and I will be venturing North to Sandpoint at the end of August. Redeem some sanity. By that time let's pray our little house in town will be in the mix for being sold. Jeff tore out the bathroom a week ago - now we have to make time to remodel. For some reason we feel inclined to finish texturing all the walls in the rest of the house. I cannot explain why we chose to make more work for ourselves - I guess it's our nature. It will pay off, it is just a matter of finding the time to do everything we need to do. Right now I feel like I am missing out on some quality time with Te - it is a bit frustrating. I will have a six week hiatus from school after Sept. 11 before my final Marketing class begins. I am looking forward to the time to get back to hiking - and trying desperately to commute by bike to work three times a week. I feel like getting my old physical self back - communing with nature which I miss - and grounding my soul. In due time. I'll look back 365 days from now and go "WoW." I know when I reflect back I will see how sound my judgements have been and how looking ahead instead of behind has propelled me forward. Always enjoying the journey.

Te in the Payette Sand

Soaking up the sun - July 17.

Oregon April 2006

More to come...finally getting some posted.

Tears are Falling

Today I was driving home with my baby in the backseat when "Drift Away" a remake by Uncle Kracker came on. It was mine and Jeff's wedding song - almost two years ago. About two years ago that my daddy was diagnosed with lung cancer. When I heard the song I was singing it - and at the same crying - crying cause I had this beautiful vision in my head of my dad sitting on the picnic bench at Marley Beach watching Jeff and I dancing - and he was singing along to the song and smiling, smiling, smiling. It was a blessed day.

My dad was in the hospital the week prior to our wedding getting over three plus liters of fluid drained off his left lung which was pushing his heart over. He told all the people caring for him at the Spokane VA that he had to be out by Friday the 13th - his kid was getting married! Before they released him they tested the fluid and that's how we discovered he had adenocarcinoma.

My dad told my best friend Mikey he had cancer before he told me. They were both a bit worried about how I would react. For some reason when my dad told me, I knew he would be alright. I did not react like I thought I would react, and because dad always had such an optimistic attitude I thought he would be around forever.

I am grateful that God gave us the opportunity to share my wedding day - I am grateful that God gave my dad the time and opportunity to meet my son Te and to be with my little sister Melinda when she had Joshua. I am grateful that he had over a years worth of time to spend with my sisters and their families - to reconnect. And I am grateful God gave me, Jeff, and Te seven more months of his time. I always knew that I would be with my dad in the end - I just didn't know it would come so quickly. I desperately wanted my children to know my father - and they will through stories and memories. I have to remember I am his legacy, and so is Te. Te knows his "pop-pop" and I often wonder if dad still communicates with him.

I see him occasionally, not in a ghostly spirit kind of sense - I see his butterfly body. At his memorial service there was a butterfly and I know it was him. Often times now when I have questions or thoughts - a butterfly appears to give me reassurance. I know it's him - it's a good way for me to be OK with knowing he's around without physically seeing him. Call me crazy - but it's true. I cry often - cause I miss him and rightly so. No sobbing that's for sure - cause I know it's not forever. It's mostly when I am driving, or writing about him that makes my heart ache - knowing I can't get a much needed embrace.

Te-tur Tot gets a Taste of the Fountain

Boy they grow like weeds! Te is going to be 18 months on Saturday - it's hard to believe my baby is already so big, even though he is still so small. Last year at this time we could take the little mister to the Market every Saturday and he would sit in the pack-n-play or sit in the Baby Bjorn and quietly watch the stream of people passing by. Nowadays, Te and Jeff arrive at Market every Saturday around noonish. There is NO way Te would sit for five hours - he would scream and insist to let him roam, to investigate his surroundings, and to make new friends. Plus - now that he's discovered the fountain - good luck keeping him out of it! This is actually the first time I've caught him lapping up the sprinkling water - and this past weekend was the first time he actually ran through the fountain. Normally he stands on the edge running around in a circle, drinking water off the ground, and letting only his hands get wet.

The little people amaze me with what they absorb. Te knows many things beyond what we think he knows. Lately I have been teaching him how to show us he is "one" and he does it, just not on command. I also taught him how to say "peace" , next thing is to show him how to sign it. His parting words will be "peace" when he leaves his friends :).

He identifies with many things - I would imagine his vocabulary knowledge is close to a 100 words - just because he seems to know a lot. He knows his body, he knows his animals beyond just cat and dog , he knows his shoes, he knows "ow" - he can pick out toys you ask him to retrieve, he knows his vitamins, to brush his teeth - and even floss, he knows bath, he knows outside, he knows ride. Which when Te wants a ride - it's usually a ride on a hand truck around the print shop or through the back yard. He just knows more then I can imagine. I am excited to one day hear his sentences flow freely, even though I really enjoy where he's at right now and would be glad to stop time. I am excited to see how he will continue to teach me and how he helps my heart to open up and love. He is a beautiful thing - and I am truly blessed.

What I Miss

Today is one of those days where I miss my grandma, where I miss my house I grew up in, where I miss peddling down the streets of Sandpoint to go to the Lake, where I miss the Lake, where I miss everything that represents what life was like 25 years ago. Life was good growing up on the corner of Cedar and Division in Sandpoint. It was modest, simple, and just plain great. No worries.

This is about the time the raspberries would be coming on in the garden, a little bit of lettuce to make sugar lettuce rolls...playing outside all day...and sneaking away to the Lake to get a bit refreshed.

I know that Sandpoint has changed a lot in 25 years - I've experienced it - and I know how much different life is like now verse then. You just can't compare summer days on the Lake. When your parents tell you about what they use to do and reminisce about their good times - I am to the point now where I can totally relate.

The 4th of July in Sandpoint was always a celebration of fun and family. Often times everyone would come home for a mini reunion. My two sisters, myself, and my cousin Anji would always get dressed up by our Aunt Terry and entered into the Children's Parade...in fact one year we won second place. (Our theme that year was Little Red Riding Hood.) Te is 17 months - and even though I know he would enjoy some of the 4th of July - we're waiting till next year when we know he'll enjoy all of the 4th of July - from the early morning parade straight through to the early evening fireworks.

This year while I remember what the 4th of July was like when I was nine - I am suppose to be writing a paper for my Marketing class. I keep telling myself I am almost there. That's one thing I won't miss, school - and those early morning swimming lessons at 730am in Lake Pend Oreille! Brrrr Grandma!

Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed

I don't know what came over me yesterday - I was up and at 'em and ready to splat 'em at 7am on a Saturday morning. Actually Saturdays are always my early morning rise since that's Market day. My favorite day of the week. Jeff and I (ZuCru Creations) sell our handcrafted ware every Saturday April thru October at Boise's Capital City Public Market. This is our third season. Normally when I arrive the hustle and bustle of vendors preparing for the day's sales is well into third gear. This Saturday I was the first one in my section to actually "pop the top" on my canopy - I was a bit perplexed with where I should actually position it within the chalked guidelines since I didn't have neighbors yet - and wasn't normally squeezing myself in. I arrived at 745am. Almost 40 minutes earlier then my normal arrival time. I got an early start because beyond sharing a booth with Jeff, I am also sharing a booth with one of my childhood friends, Chrissy Kramer. Together we are selling whimsical, vibrant, and colorful paintings geared toward the child audience. So thanks to my "early bird gets the worm" attitude I actually had 30 minutes of disposable time to visit with fellow vendors, run and get coffee, and just drink in the beginnings of a beautiful day.

Yesterday was an exceptional day. There was an abundance of Market patrons even for the long holiday weekend. Most of my sales for the day were complete before noon. I love the Market cause you see old friends, make new friends, experience a great venue for people watching, and the opportunity is always knocking to sell your goods to someone other then your supportive friends and family to enjoy. What really made my day was that I actually sold two paintings. A 3-panel caterpillar that's about two years old, a bumblebee - about the same age. I have a handful of whimsical bugs and farm animals that have been in storage waiting for the perfect opportunity to be sold - before they just didn't mix with the ZuCru theme since it's Japanese influenced and includes Jeff's pottery, framed origami, and leaf prints. Now I have another creative outlet to share with Chrissy which makes me grin even bigger. I love painting -much like pottery is meditation and therapy for Jeff - that's what painting is for me. And knowing that people can appreciate my simplistic whimsical paintings makes it more fun. So along with my happy face that I gained from knowing little people were enjoying my prints - fellow vendors were shining light on me yesterday too.

Setting up yesterday, Mike, my marriage partner at the Market, was putting out his goodies that include handmade wooden spoons and cutting boards indulged me with a warpy black walnut cutting board. Later on my pursuit down the road for food I stopped to talk to Sondra who has the Scented Room, whic she handmakes lavender yummy body care goodies from body and foot scrubs to spritzers, gave me a gift of citrus basil sugar body scrub. It was her last tub and it hadn't sold that day. Her clientele hasn't picked up much on the new line and so she gave it to me since she has plenty of leftovers at home. I love her stuff. I use her lavender/peppermint salt scrub almost every day. (www.scentedroom.com) And fact be known, I scrubbed the little man (Te) with the sugar scrub tonight and of course he tried eating it. The Market day ended with Ron from Kelley Orchards of Weiser (www.kelleyorchards.com) bringing us a yummy bag full of cherries. And on top of all this goodwill among friends - I ran into Gil and Molly who make hammocks (http://www.dreamweavershammocks.com/) here locally in Boise and usually tour around the Pacific NW doing shows (even Sandpoint) - and was able to thank them for the chair hammock they so graciously tipped me with two weeks ago at our family printshop, TomKat Printing. (We print for Gil & Molly). So all in all - yesterday was a fabulous day and maybe that's God's way of telling me "Hey, get your a#$ out of bed earlier and see how rewarding it can be!" Perhaps tomorrow I'll start my 20 mile roundtrip commute with the early morning sun.

Dilemma

My cousin Val, wants to give her sister Anji one of her German Shepherd pups for her upcoming birthday. It took Anji two days to call her sister back and tell her "her plan." Her plan - 'I don't think I should take the puppy because with work and traveling a lot and I already have two pups that don't get the attention they deserve...you should give the pup to Liz. Liz is a dog person and she just lost her dog Max - Liz will take the dog.' So last night Anji asked me if I would take the pup. Of course upon this suggestion Val had to give Anj a hard time and tell her "oh great, this will be just like the baseball glove." (another story) My first response was yes I'll take the pup.

Today after a night of sleeping on it I think it might be in our best interest not to take the pup only because we have so much stuff going on. And a pup, for those of us who know - is work, much like having a child - I'll have to potty train again and be consistent in disciplining the dog all the time for a good two years. That's OK - my concern is the hair and what it's like to have one more dog. Traveling with one dog is far easier then traveling with two.

The dilemma is this...I love my cousin Val and to have something that's hers is a big deal. It's a big deal because who knows how much longer her walk on this plane will last. You see, she's one of God's creations that are unexplainable - people can't fathom her story cause she doesn't tell people and when one of her relatives talk about her people are awed because she is "awe" full.

Val has been living with a soft tissue sarcoma since she was about 25. At the time she was told she had six months to live, she has lived sixteen years. I call her the "bionic woman" or the "six million dollar woman" because that's what she is. A little flavor...she has one lung, a third of her stomach, and maybe a third of her small intestine, no large intestine, a metal plate to replace some lost ribs...and that's just getting started. These past few months she's endured brain surgery, heart surgery - always to come home just a few days later. She's a guenia pig for science and there have been numerous articles written about her - and resident doctors always asking her what has helped her to continue living when so many would of surrendered by now. Her answer, responsibility.

Val is definitely not a quitter and I know God will take her when she is good and ready to let go - so taking this puppy is a dilemma since Anji told me I would have to call Val and tell her "no" if I don't. Thanks Anj. I wonder if you can shave German Shepherds?

Overdrive

Here we go again. My third to last class began on Tuesday, Consumer Behavior. It appears to be a fairly interesting topic since it has to do with understanding consumers and their buying behaviors - what drives them. A mix of sociology, psychology and a few other 'ologies'. Back to buggy girl mode. When I am in school and work and try to manage our art business I get a little buggy. Buggy cause I can never manage my time well enough to make quiet time for myself. I am on the countdown. I have 17.5 weeks of school left to complete my Masters. Then...I am sure I'll find something else that I must study.

Actually, getting a flavor for what life could be like without school this past six weeks has been very enlightening. When I don't have school to attend to - I have time to attend to gardening, hiking, playing, and creating art. It's rather liberating. So we'll see what new pursuits I'll have come the new year.

I talked with this lady Lisa about apprenticing and helping her in her glass studio. She blows glass - manipulates it and such to create vessels. I figure if I indulge myself in all the different methods of working with glass - the next thing you'll know - I'll be a glass guru. My workshop in glass fusing starts on my birthday (the 17th) - so I am pretty excited to see where this glass stuff will take me.

On top of learning about glass, work, school, art biz, momma & wife, we still need to get our little house in town sold. September I'll have a little time to say "whew" for about six weeks. It will give me just enough time to build up my holiday inventory for Beaux Arts, the Holiday Market, and hopefully POAC will do another Holiday Show to give me good reason to travel hairy roads to go home. Then come Dec. 4 - I can surrender to life without school and maybe think about a new addition to our family.

Estate Frustrations

Yesterday was a buggy day. 95% my fault for being a dumbass. Yesterday I was looking at my dad's checking account online and discovered that yet again another $777 was automatically being extracted from his account. This is the third unauthorized transaction to occur in the last month which has cost me almost $2000. $2000 I don't have since Jeff is a part-timer and since we decided to live in dad's house and increase our money going out by three times what we bring in. When our house sells the slate will be clean it is just until we sell our house - which is another story.

Anyhow - upon my discovery I paniced and raced to the bank to only be transfered and put on hold about six different times within forty minutes with the assistance of a banking associate. Through both our frustration we put our agony to a temporary halt and I went back to work to try and resolve the issue on my own. Filing a claim. My sole attempt was ixnayed within five minutes. I was told by customer service that they could not help me and that I had to physically go into the branch who had my power of attorney paperwork on file. I just came from there!

What is boils down to is the gentleman, Brian, who initially helped us on the 18th of May to close some of dad's accounts, stop the ACH, and file a claim for the first initial $777 that came out on the 17th - didn't do what he said he did. The thing that stinks when people die intestate is that it sometimes causes a HUGE headache - sometimes not. The only reason I have left dad's account open is because his mortgage payment automatically gets deducted from his account every two weeks. I should of called the mortgage lender and told them to take it out of a different account and closed dad's orginal account to eliminate my unforseen headache.

Lesson One: Try not to die intestate.
Lesson Two: Keep accurate records for kin and even though ACH is convenient, don't do it, it's a headache for kin.
Lesson Three: Kin should always think and act consciously even in times of stress and hardship to eliminate unnecessary headaches.

Graphic Day in the Valley

Something horrific happened here in the Boise Valley yesterday. Some crazy man beheaded his ex-wife and then proceeded to kill a mother and her child when he purposefully veered his truck into oncoming traffic. The head of his ex-wife laid on the roadway following the crash - he was toting it in the bed of his pick-up.

This incident had a strong impact on Jeff - it was evident when he came home from watching UFC at Steve's. Jeff is a worry wart and that is saying it mildly. I suffered through his rage as he expressed to me how I needed to call so he knew when and if we were coming home - he said he didn't like leaving the house without knowing what was up with Te...where he is, or what he is doing. It makes me sad for both Jeff and Te. Jeff because he worries too much about things that are out of his control, and Te because he has an overprotective father who I know will have trouble letting go one day. Right now I think he fails to remember what trauma he put his own parents through. I have faith Jeff will get through this - it's just unpleasant when I am the victim of his emotions. I try not to buy into his somewhat pessimitic perceptions. Life with children changes you, you can have faith or you can constantly worry yourself gray. I choose to have faith that I will raise my children to make conscious decisions and know that the things in life you cannot control are not worth worrying about - it's called faith.

Another sad incident happened yesterday as well. A black puppy dog was found burned over 75-80% of his body and he had bumps and bruises from being dragged. I think people who offend animals should be accountable for their crime much like they would be if they offended another human. It is a misdemeanor to harm an animal, it's a felony when applied to humans. Frankly I think anyone who intentionally goes out and hurts anything should be held accountable for their actions. I guess that's why there is karma...or judgement day, or whatever you want to call it.

Addiction

I must be on the cusp of enlightenment. Lately my mind just reels with ideas to create - crossing all medium boundaries. The glass class really ignited my creative fire. Last night I almost completed my octupus painting for Saturday's Market, and I managed to assemble five different wedding invitation samples for my friend Molly.

This wedding invitation is a problem. A problem because I have a zillion ideas and should only send Molly the five samples I have finished - except, I have like twenty more I want to make. After this...I'll just put them all into an online portfolio and start selling custom wedding invitations.

I believe EVERYTHING is about timing. Had Te not spent five days in the hospital, if my dad had not died three days after Te came home...I would still be living in the mucky muck of grump. I turn into mucky muck grump when I go to school, work full-time, run our small art business, and try to be a wife, momma, and sane. What happened was I was forced to take an incomplete on my last class, then my next professor failed to show up for my direted study. (That shit happens online...they seem less accountable.) Since my prof didn't show I have been on a six week break from school and this last week has been a HUGE shift in my consciousness. Thank God. All my creative juices that fled me like a year ago - are bombarding me now.

I am ready to incorporate.

The Beast

I found it a home...they say it runs...I am turning my $5 novice auction award into a tax deductible donation. Thank you Idaho Youth Ranch.

The Novice

Today is a grand day - my lost cat Critter came home, and I was also able to catch our ferrel cat BW so they now can both be transplanted to our new home.

I will also find out if my $5 copy machine is a great deal or a real pain in my derriere. Call me an online auction novice - silly me thought someone would outbid me on a copy machine for $5 - no one did and now I get to go through the headache of transporting it and finding a place to store it. Do not always believe what you see on the screen - the picture was deceiving - my copier is well over 8 ft long and 2900 pounds. I should of done my research.

I went to a glass fusing party with my friend Reham the other day. This was my first opportunity to work with glass as an artistic medium and I can see why it is addictive. Now I find it a necessity to partner our potters kiln with a glass kiln in our studio. With my father passing a month ago - it was really liberating to have my creative energy flow so freely. For me, creating art is therapeutic, meditative, and very soul-centering. Since Monday and the glass party I have signed up for an intro glass fusing class, a workshop on frit, thrown a pot on the wheel, and sketched out two large paintings for this weekend's market! Funny how one thing can reignite the fire.

The events of this past month - which would make a great country song - have me optimistic. Most people in the face of death often retreat, me on the other hand have dealt with death numerous times early in life and losing my daddy, my best friend, I thought would be HUGELY overwhelming. However, I find myself living his optimistic attitude - and one just needs to keep on keeping on. I feel like I am taking flight and one day when I look back I will remember how far I have come and how the month of May 2006 transformed me. I am working towards manifesting my dream...thriving visual artist...that's me.