Tears are Falling

Today I was driving home with my baby in the backseat when "Drift Away" a remake by Uncle Kracker came on. It was mine and Jeff's wedding song - almost two years ago. About two years ago that my daddy was diagnosed with lung cancer. When I heard the song I was singing it - and at the same crying - crying cause I had this beautiful vision in my head of my dad sitting on the picnic bench at Marley Beach watching Jeff and I dancing - and he was singing along to the song and smiling, smiling, smiling. It was a blessed day.

My dad was in the hospital the week prior to our wedding getting over three plus liters of fluid drained off his left lung which was pushing his heart over. He told all the people caring for him at the Spokane VA that he had to be out by Friday the 13th - his kid was getting married! Before they released him they tested the fluid and that's how we discovered he had adenocarcinoma.

My dad told my best friend Mikey he had cancer before he told me. They were both a bit worried about how I would react. For some reason when my dad told me, I knew he would be alright. I did not react like I thought I would react, and because dad always had such an optimistic attitude I thought he would be around forever.

I am grateful that God gave us the opportunity to share my wedding day - I am grateful that God gave my dad the time and opportunity to meet my son Te and to be with my little sister Melinda when she had Joshua. I am grateful that he had over a years worth of time to spend with my sisters and their families - to reconnect. And I am grateful God gave me, Jeff, and Te seven more months of his time. I always knew that I would be with my dad in the end - I just didn't know it would come so quickly. I desperately wanted my children to know my father - and they will through stories and memories. I have to remember I am his legacy, and so is Te. Te knows his "pop-pop" and I often wonder if dad still communicates with him.

I see him occasionally, not in a ghostly spirit kind of sense - I see his butterfly body. At his memorial service there was a butterfly and I know it was him. Often times now when I have questions or thoughts - a butterfly appears to give me reassurance. I know it's him - it's a good way for me to be OK with knowing he's around without physically seeing him. Call me crazy - but it's true. I cry often - cause I miss him and rightly so. No sobbing that's for sure - cause I know it's not forever. It's mostly when I am driving, or writing about him that makes my heart ache - knowing I can't get a much needed embrace.