Goodness

How do you not divulge and embrace all the goodness in your life? How can you walk without gratitude and appreciation for all that is? How can you be in a world where others see through foggy glasses? You can - and you do. The lesson is in remembering all the qualities you love yourself for and seeing it in others. It is the lesson of remembering all the faults you see inside of yourself and forgiving. It's all about loving the fact of being. It is all about seeing and believing. It's all about not knowing and finding that light inside of yourself that you allow to lead the way. It's about love - for yourself - and all who walk this great story with you.

I love a man who can dance

Does that mean I don't love my husband? It just means if he could or would dance I would find him so much more endearing. I believe dancing is your soul's expression - no matter how you feel you make look to others...it does not matter. It is the ability to be captured by the moment - to be ever present in life and not worry about your own prejudices and that of others. It is an endearing quality where one possesses the ability to let themselves go and be captured by the ever present beauty of being. I have not been out in moons - it use to be a regular thing back in the day. To be honest I haven't literally be on the town in probably a year. It was so good to be out - to see and appreciate all that walk this plane. I get grumpy with myself for being so frumpy - I know what I can and have looked like - how when I am leaner I feel less inhibited, less vulnerable to how people perceive me. I am a confident person, I wish I was just confident enough to let the weight wash away. It's coming. I am so close to my purpose I can feel it, I can taste it, I can almost see it. I am on the cusp of my roar - the roar that's heard no matter the elixir.

Presidential Election

This morning on the drive in I was listening to NPR and there was a report about the American Presidential Race and how it is being covered in France. You forget how the leader of the US or any country for that matter - actually affects the global community. Granted ya know - but you really don't know. And like a young gentleman was quoted as saying, "The President of the United States represents the free world." How's that in a nutshell. It sounds to me like everyone is anxious to see who our new leader is - they want to change their relationships with the US partly due to Mr. Bush's unpopularity.

One gentleman was stated as saying, Barack Obama, if he were President, it would show that the US is in fact open-minded, and is in fact a multi-cultural country. Even Hillary would be a nice representation in their minds because she is a woman. We'll see if the US continues its course of changing parties and changing our world as we know it where communities merge into one and the blinders have been open.

I would like to see everyone embrace the salad mix we call America.

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Eggs

For Fun

Another great find in the CD picture perusal :)

Sixteen Candles

I was looking through my CDs to find a booth shot for an artist application and came across my dad's old 50s music. I decided to drop it into the CD player. It started playing "Sixteen Candles" and as I was perusing through photos - lo' and behold I came across a picture of my dad and baby Te. So here it is...now it's got me anxious to see if I can find any more shots of my daddy-o and Mr. Te.

And speaking of Mr. Te to say it lightly - he's been a pain in the derriere with his typical 3-year old attitude. It's challenging to say the least and at times makes me feel like I want to scream, and kick, and hmm...that sounds like Te.

Oh the joys of parenthood.

Can I say cheese, please

I was taking photos for art show applications today and Te had to be included. Such a nut!

Music that Moves

My evening has been consumed by downloading or actually reorganizing my Itunes playlist collections. Today we sprung forward and it was a beautiful day in the valley. I am so psyched for spring. I plan on starting my bicycling commute this month and was contemplating starting this week - but the only day I will get to ride is Friday. I shouldn't sound disappointed but I sort of am. I love it when the days get longer and the sun shines, it just has this beautiful way of recharging my soul. So I reorganized my playlist that crosses the boundaries between riding and running. Tomorrow I'll test it out as I run on the treadmill - but perhaps if the days continue to be blissful I'll take a run in the foothills.

Really

The moments where I feel my spirit sing and my spirit soar I want time to stand still. I want to capture and be present in the moment in which I feel consumed by peace, consumed by love, consumed by gratitude. LIFE consumes me just like everyone else and it takes music or a moment of still observation where I come back to what sits before me and I appreciate this wonderful blessing called life.

There are moments, which I wish could change but know the validity of the lesson in hindsight. We are blindly taught selfishness although others may argue otherwise. With these selfish moments, there are lessons or quiet reflection of things that have been, or could have been or what may become. As a collective conscious, we are taught to believe and to practice graciousness and goodwill towards others yet in stark contrast there are those moments of self-consumption where we might feel guilty for not respecting others outside of ourselves, but in hindsight, those moments actually do respect those we supposedly neglected.

Awakening

I often have this measure of myself where I don't recognize or believe that I am as spiritual or as awakened to just being as maybe I really am. Along with almost a million people I too am reading Eckart Tolle's book, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. My friend Julie had told me a few weeks back it was one of those books she wanted to read and so I picked it up - in unison with almost another million people who learned about the book through Oprah.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows I've struggled with challenges related to death - and it seems every time someone new crosses over - I become more aware. It's the stripping away of the ego that becomes so evident. My evolutionary process started at 16 when my grandma died - it resonated and controlled much of my emotions for almost ten years.

I find it humbling that so many people do not think or have ever thought that I could get angry or volatile because there really is a peaceful way about me. Little do people know that prior to a summer spent in the Northern Arizona community of Page did I actually start to transform into a more subdued being.

I would like to believe that I was at my greatest and most attuned to the Universe, God, Being during the time I took care of my neighbor Harry. It is said once you are connected to the Source or Spirit that things just happen and you know things...there was no other time in my life that it was any clearer. So clear in fact that I knew about a week before Harry was going to die that something was shifting and it wasn't Harry who fell ill, it was his brother. To make a sweet and long story short, Dorsey was Harry's 95 year old little brother, he fell ill with pneumonia, and 8 days later on Fathers Day he passed away. Harry died the next day -his job was done. Harry had always been the caretaker of his family and once he knew his job was done he let go.

I helped Harry a lot the last couple years of his life and especially in the last few months I told him I would do my best to help him stay in his home. He was a 97 almost 98 year old bachelor. He helped me to open my heart because it was so tightly closed shut from my grandma and everyone else in between. I would say Harry is the only person I have allowed myself to truly love without closing myself off in some way. Now I am learning this with Te, and desperately trying to give my husband the same credit...but this is a huge challenge for me. After Harry died I sort of closed up again - I could only imagine if I had stayed awake till the present.

I definitely resonate with a different energy - even in fact - when my cousin called the other day I was trying to put her in her mother-in-laws shoes. I was trying to get her to see no matter what how to love her just as she is, and to maybe coach her along to becoming what she could. Having an open heart and seeing yourself in everyone is a wonderful trait to encourage and to nurture. I guess my main goal in this lifetime is to have as they refer, "Christ like love." That has always been my journey.

It is a process and one is constantly evolving and I desperately want to gain back the peace and knowing now and resonate with it throughout the rest of my life.

My Pleasure

So yesterday Te had a pocketful of mints from Sonic - he found his Uncle Jon's stash while we were at the shop and Jon told him he could have them all. ugh. So he proceeded to put them in his coat pocket. We ran a delivery to Bindery Services and as we were departing the parking lot Te was digging into his pocket and asked if he could please give me a piece of his candy. I obliged, knowing it could turn into a long ordeal until I conceded. I listened to him talk to himself and tell me he needed to twist to get the wrapper off. He then handed it to me in my out-stretched hand bent and contorted to reach him in the back seat while driving. I thanked him for sharing. He said, "Your welcome momma, no problem...my pleasure."

I say no problem all the time, my pleasure he picked up somewhere who knows where. This evening we're sitting in bed reading and he wants to share his water with me. I ask, do you like to share with mom and he says "yes, my pleasure...my pleasure mom." And I asked - where did you learn "my pleasure?" And Te said, "my heart."

A nice lesson indeed.

Residual longing to go back...

Today I learned that one of our students we took to South Africa wants to go back (obviously) - and the founder is so graciously working out logistics so that perhaps once he graduates he can spend his summer, the next year or who knows how long abroad roaming the South African rural landscape - perhaps hunting for boreholes to be turned into working PlayPump water stations. I think if I had been introduced at the ripe age of 18 or 19 to such a rich and resounding cultural experience I would probably still be somewhere abroad. I say that now being more mature and resonating on a different spiritual level then I was at 18 or 19. At 18 and 19 I was consumed by partying and still working off the grief of losing my grandma at 16. My mom tried to encourage me to live and get educated in the Philippines after I had graduated - but I wasn't ready to be immersed into something so unfamiliar. I wish I would of pursued it now, but hindsight always reflects back something that could of been. I am grateful for my experiences and assume one day as I age that the opportunities will come to me and perhaps together with Jeff, my son, a friend or one of my sisters we can share in some humanitarian experience that reaches beyond our boundaries both logistically as well as spiritually.

Keen

And for those who may not know or remember, Small Village Foundation is the organization that I went to Africa with...and every time I see the DVD presentation the memories come flooding through the gates.

As Shanelle said this evening it has a way with making your heart dance, and your spirit sing or vice versa...it really makes me emotional. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Africa. There are moments where I do not insist that I have to go next year, then there are the moments where I feel I need to go next year...

Mercy Me...I can only imagine

Seldom do we realize the gifts that God has so graciously given us - often overlooked or forgotten - because the beauty that surrounds us becomes a part of the mundane reality that seems to blend in... that is until you take a moment to drink in the present and realize that it's a constant ever-flowing abundance of love and as they say,the cup oveflowith (if that's a word).

Tonight was the 3rd annual Small Village Dinner Auction. In preparation I made handcrafted roundevals for table decorations. To say slightly, they consumed my last two evenings, thus resulting in limited interaction with Te. There are those moments when I feel guilty for slacking, but remind myself it's only temporary. My creative process usually gets more efficient through the process (obviously) and had I figured out my approach or method more consistently prior to this morning - I might of been quicker and less neglectful. However, as Jeff pointed out - had I started my project prior to the other day I would of changed my mind at least a handful of times. Which is very very true! I managed to get the table decorated, made sure the DVD presentation worked and I was running out the door (still slightly stressed) to go shopping for a shirt for the evening with plans to make it back to the venue in less then an hour. Cruising on overdrive, as I walked out the door God so graciously presented a beautiful blue heron for me to enjoy, absorb, and take my breath away. You forget until you watch one take into flight - their true beauty. I spoke to myself and said watch it for a couple minutes - just drink it in - and I did. It was such a gracious gift. Then on my long trek to the parking lot - as I broke through the pathway entrance - lo and behold I was in the midst of 30 head of deer. A few were divided from the herd to the right of me - it was amazing to have them ALL staring at me with their perked up ears. I tried to convince them to just crossover my path, but they refused. It was just the gift I needed to bring me back to the present moment and be grateful for this wonderful place we call home, for this wonderful opportunity to grow in spirit and to quite frankly, just be alive.

That said, this evening was a spectacular event contrived of wonderful people coming together as a community to support those who so desperately need help. We are fortunate to live where we do where we take for granted our homes, our cars, clean water, street lights, etc.

It was a great day of reflection.

Tonight I added the song by Mercy Me, "I can only imagine." I heard it about two weeks ago driving around in Holy Hannah the Honda. The Honda is called Holy Hannah because the day we bought her all the radio stations she would pick up were Christian Rock. Nowadays I've managed to find NPR and the River at times, but if a song is on that's catchy and not too Goddy I listen. I do not mean to bash God, I am just not a religious person - I am a spiritual person but not a religious one. I do not need a church as my medium. But, I heard this song and not only could I imagine what it would be like to bask in God's glory, but to also bask in the glory of those who have gone before us - so with that said, listen with an open heart because I think that we can only imagine the beauty that awaits us in the next dimension.

Humility has a name, it's called you and it's called me. See yourself in each other and you will see with an open heart. Listen to the song, just see.

Peace.

Whaaaa....eee.....Whiny....

Since last Friday Boo has been sick. We went to the doc for his 3-yr. old well baby check and Dr. Beauchaine informed us that the flu vaccine wasn't a great match this year. We were set to depart to Seattle for the weekend on Thursday but had to postpone our travel arrangements when he woke up Thursday with a cough and a runny nose. Most know that Te has cold-induced asthma, so when we're fighting a cold it's a pretty intense and aggressive regimen to keep the attacks at bay. We do not enjoy hospital stays and now that he's older they would probably be far more grueling.

Anyways - I think the doc jinxed us. I was originally going to go to WA by myself; however, Te would not have it. I had been prepping him for a week for airport security since the last time was a living hell. If I had continued with my old behavior I would of just left since Jeff said, "you'll be able to get more done." While at work I rationalized and I know the intensity level of Te's care - for the sake of my son, and my own sanity I made the decision to stay home. Jeff was surprised. After our very very long weekend (more me, then Jeff) - Thank God I made the right choice.

Saturday night Te started coughing a lot before the doc house down the street closed at 8pm. Because I couldn't decipher the cough from the nasal drip or the cough that sometimes develops because of his asthma I took him in. It was a fight as usual, what's new with a persistent little one who is sick and doesn't want to take off his shirt for nobody. We discovered an ear infection in the left ear. A prescription for antibiotics at 9pm at night and we're out the door. Each day we're fighting fevers and potential asthma attack outbreaks. Te gets fed up - and now we have to add one more thing to the regimen.

Tuesday he's still not eating,and the fever isn't breaking much below 100 degrees with alternating Motrin & Tylenol every 3 to 4 hours. Frustration for me is setting in because all Te will do is whine and I am suppose to decipher his words that have suddenly escaped him. I make an appointment to go see his pediatrician again and we come home with the diagnosis that Boo has the flu.

Finally today, Wednesday, he eats, he drinks, he plays and has just a little whine with his cheese. The fever finally broke last night so now we can eliminate fever medicine. He is sometimes obliging with breathing treatments, sometimes not...but at least today I feel on the uphill swing - especially since I can go five hours between breathing treatments instead of 3-4. And the best thing of all - his lungs sound great. Maybe this weekend I will get to sleep through the night and actually feel like I can do something during the day -like vacuum the house. I usually submiss when Boo gets sick to snuggling on the couch, but the whining, it almost drives me batty!

And the pic - it was from November/December when he got his shaggalicious haircut the first time. It is a little blurry but there are images of me that I remember when I was about his age - and he does truly look like me. It depends on the day.

Spring has Sprung?

These bluebird days have me looking forward to Spring. With each changing season, let alone each day, the little Mister too evolves into something new and wonderful. The things he says the way he acts it is a continuous joy to watch him learn and grow. Everyday I am grateful for my most treasured gift.

Barack Obama, Saturday, Feb. 2, 2008 - Boise, ID

Click on picture to see a larger version. This was forwarded to me from my friend, Manny.

Go Barack!

OK, So I can't stop talking

For the past week and half I've been purging in my life. Trying to seed out the things I know I don't need. Then, there are the things that have either some symbolic or emotional meaning and I desperately think I need to move beyond the attachment but I don't know how. I am trying to reach a simplistic rule of measure in our house - I am afraid of what it may become in thirty years - I wish I was more like my mother who seems to have this ability to detach herself from everything she has no means or purpose for. I don't know how she does it. Maybe because my whole life I've always created some meaning behind everything I've ever had whether significant or not. Now - almost two years later I am finally relinquishing all the unneccessary givings and inherited gifts of my father. There is so much luggage that I have absolutely no use for - yet - it signifies my dad and I can think of a thousands reasons why I should let it continue to hang around. If it were my dad - he'd tell me to get rid of the shit. I should practice perspective, and I am trying, but it's like if I purge I forget - although I know I don't - I do. How do I resolve this conflict? It's a catch-22. Not really. Although it seems like it. I just do not want to be thirty-years deep into my own stuff along with that of my father's and those yet to come. Perspective - it's a good thing. It's change - and change is opportunity in disguise.

What do I Say?

To me, as many, I am sure life seems to roll in waves. I often use the river as an analogy for comparing how you should roll with the challenges and joys that life gives you. I have many moments that I sit and contemplate, get frustrated, and wonder "what the hell?" With a simple snap of my fingers I respond with an optimistic attitude of "wowness" when I often reflect on the moment. I have so many things in life that I am grateful for and wonder how those moments of pessimism can be so overwhelming. Yet, it is all called being human. The human experience has to be the most rewarding and challenging opportunity of spirit. Once we can separate ourselves from having any kind of attachment then we have ultimately reached what bodhisattva's are here to teach. Ego is all tied up with keeping up with the Jones' and realistically just having those things that money can buy. The beauty of being is just being but it normally takes one a whole lifetime to understand and yet to achieve the understanding to pass on as one moves on can take a lifetime. And if you are one who has managed to realize the beauty of what presents itself now and can resonate that energy - you still have your moments when you question the moment -it is hard to eliminate that stinking ego!

Let it Snow!

I have been in the Boise Valley for almost 16 years (wow!) and have never seen this much snow, ever. The other night driving home I couldn't stop grinning. I love snow, although I bet if I was in Sandpoint I'd be bitching like the rest of them. They have an amazing amount of white stuff and it just keeps stacking up.
Yesterday was a great day - Te and I got to drive the big truck around to do errands then we came home to work on our snow/fort slide combo. It was so refreshing to remember the happy emotions of my childhood when I would spends hours outside building, rolling, and playing in the snow. It is wonderful when one can connect with nature and connect with their own childlike qualities that make you realize that life is good - all the stress and headache of everyday life really is nill - it is so material. And we all know materials can be stripped off! So, when it snows, the sun shines, the birds chirp, etc. remember to let your child self resonate so you can really tap into the moment. It is all about the moment, of being present, not about what happened or what is going to happen. Find peace where you are now.