YO! Momma. Wake up!

This is the beginning of a new path I am pushed to pursue after numerous years of neglect. I have this trait (like many others) where I can ignore myself and not so much everybody else. This past year I've experienced many growing pains ~ especially in the last 4-5 months - that have made me ponder what really is important in my life. First beginning with the fact that Jeff & I had a "coming to Jesus meeting" back in late March. Our marriage was failing because we were both neglecting our relationship and each other. We lost sight of each other. Plain and simple.

Skip forward to June. (I missed my period in May and attributed it to stress. Yes I took a pregnancy test that came back negative. Having a baby at this juncture in time was not particularly welcomed since Jeff & I both needed to actively pursue each other with no additional distractions then what was already present.) The undying question for a few weeks was "got your period yet?" "No. If it doesn't come in June I'll go see the doctor." If I didn't get my period it was either I was pregnant or my fibroids were causing problems. On our way home from camping at Hells Canyon we started discussing being "one and done." We had Te we were happy. No need to go down the endless sleepless nights and dirty diapers regimen again. We were good. Te is 6. Te is pretty independent.

As always the Universe had something else in mind. A couple days later I pee-ed on a stick. We were pregnant.

I started spotting around mid July. Not a big deal really. I mostly spotted in the morning when I first woke up but throughout the day I rarely did. Had an ultrasound the first week of August and we attributed it to a fibroid that was resting on my cervix.

Monday, August 8, as the day was breaking I was experiencing a complete miscarriage in an outhouse at the Riviera (Marley property on the river near Sandpoint - my usual August haunt). Right at 14 weeks. I didn't realize I was in labor until the whole process was done and over. Lasted about an hour before I caught the baby. (The experience was way more intense and crazy then I need to write here). It looked just like they say - a baby. All 10 fingers and toes, ear buds forming, eyes rotated around, bright white fingernails. It was really quite amazing - and mortifying at the same time.

Saturday, August 13, I thought I was prolapsing. Completely freaking out in my head - didn't engage Jeff on my freaky ride. This experience was worse than delivering the baby. My mind was playing horrible, horrible tricks on me!

Monday, August 15, after seeing the doctor I finally had had enough and had a slight breakdown. I know I have fibroids. I know they grow in pregnancy. It's been 7 years since I really gave a shit about them. I discovered that my largest one is the size of a baseball and it's resting on my rectum. I discovered I had an ovarian cyst (probably a result of the pregnancy) the size of a plum resting on the fibroid on the rectum. My next biggest fibroid rests against my bladder. No wonder I thought I was prolapsing. All the shit is putting pressure on my vaginal canal. Good news - I'm not prolapsing!

So the "me journey" begins. I was told if I wanted to have any more babies I would have to have a myemectomy. Before I got pregnant I didn't think so much about a second child. Once we got pregnant - you get excited - and now I think I would like a second child. However, it will be a result of whatever God & the Universe thinks is true. If I can bring my body back to homeostasis through diet, yoga and just mindfulness - and am able to shrink and or eliminate the fibroids - we will try for a second child. I desperately do not want to be cut open. If I have to have a myemectomy to try for baby number two, baby number two will be a true blessing.

Now I recognize all the innuedos of my body that are a result of the fibroids. I want to eliminate them so I don't get constipated, so I don't have to pee ALL THE TIME, so I don't have back pain, so I don't have bloat, etc. etc. Most if not all of my discomfort that I've adapted to are a result of the fibroids. So today - although my story was not too brief - is when I start the mindful dietary changes and physical recognition of me coming back into balance.