Awakening

I often have this measure of myself where I don't recognize or believe that I am as spiritual or as awakened to just being as maybe I really am. Along with almost a million people I too am reading Eckart Tolle's book, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. My friend Julie had told me a few weeks back it was one of those books she wanted to read and so I picked it up - in unison with almost another million people who learned about the book through Oprah.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows I've struggled with challenges related to death - and it seems every time someone new crosses over - I become more aware. It's the stripping away of the ego that becomes so evident. My evolutionary process started at 16 when my grandma died - it resonated and controlled much of my emotions for almost ten years.

I find it humbling that so many people do not think or have ever thought that I could get angry or volatile because there really is a peaceful way about me. Little do people know that prior to a summer spent in the Northern Arizona community of Page did I actually start to transform into a more subdued being.

I would like to believe that I was at my greatest and most attuned to the Universe, God, Being during the time I took care of my neighbor Harry. It is said once you are connected to the Source or Spirit that things just happen and you know things...there was no other time in my life that it was any clearer. So clear in fact that I knew about a week before Harry was going to die that something was shifting and it wasn't Harry who fell ill, it was his brother. To make a sweet and long story short, Dorsey was Harry's 95 year old little brother, he fell ill with pneumonia, and 8 days later on Fathers Day he passed away. Harry died the next day -his job was done. Harry had always been the caretaker of his family and once he knew his job was done he let go.

I helped Harry a lot the last couple years of his life and especially in the last few months I told him I would do my best to help him stay in his home. He was a 97 almost 98 year old bachelor. He helped me to open my heart because it was so tightly closed shut from my grandma and everyone else in between. I would say Harry is the only person I have allowed myself to truly love without closing myself off in some way. Now I am learning this with Te, and desperately trying to give my husband the same credit...but this is a huge challenge for me. After Harry died I sort of closed up again - I could only imagine if I had stayed awake till the present.

I definitely resonate with a different energy - even in fact - when my cousin called the other day I was trying to put her in her mother-in-laws shoes. I was trying to get her to see no matter what how to love her just as she is, and to maybe coach her along to becoming what she could. Having an open heart and seeing yourself in everyone is a wonderful trait to encourage and to nurture. I guess my main goal in this lifetime is to have as they refer, "Christ like love." That has always been my journey.

It is a process and one is constantly evolving and I desperately want to gain back the peace and knowing now and resonate with it throughout the rest of my life.