Melting down

Boy! Today was an overwhelming day. I know there is only so much I can do before I leave and some things just have to wait. I think the past ten days has put me in a situation where I've been assessing all these responsibilities I have and how I need to start establishing boundaries and prioritizing what is truly truly important to me. I'm a giver - and I have a tendency to give and give and give and seldom ask to take. I don't even allow myself to take from myself. That has to change. I was in and out of the shop today desperately trying to get a job done by tomorrow and although I don't mind the job - the job is running me - limiting my commitment to my family, pleasure time with friends, and effectively packing for South Africa. I have for more then two years talked about taking one day off per week for time with Te. The time is now and I have to quit talking about it.

Last night was the first time my boy has ever said, "I love you." He says he loves things like pizza, but never I love you to Jeff or myself. So last night out of the blue Te says to me, "I love you." I tell Te back, "I love you." And Te again replies, "No, I love you." A running conversation for about five minutes. It was sweet and so what I needed to hear when the nerves and emotions are getting the best of me and causing me to meltdown to tears cause I am feeling so overwhelmed with responsibilities.

I know when I get back - shit is still going to need attending to - I'll have to take another vacation just to redeem my sanity. There may also be a little PMS in the ingredients list...

Hugs

My sweet friend Reham forwarded me this You Tube clip and it inspires me to want to hug everyone. What our world needs is more love and if I can be a vehicle for inspiring others to be led by their hearts then so I must follow my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Also if you take the time to watch the entire video -remember what it feels like to be loved - to be embraced. The real ringer for me, and I really do not know if every child works like mine with a pure heart, but my kid is a hugger. He loves to hug his friends, often time surprising them from the rear and everyone topples over. My son loves to hug his friends so much that depending on the day sometimes he has to be disciplined from sharing his love so exuberantly. It can be overwhelming. I hope that Te and the people he surrounds himself will continue to hug the shit out of each other - with so much enthusiasm that everyone feels the love.

And to all the kind and generous souls that make my heart swell with love and gratitude for supporting me and our mission team in our pursuit to do good in Africa, thank you, thank you, thank you. Today I received yet another check and I am really overwhelmed with emotion - it makes my heart sing. It is truly fabulous!

A hike with Te

9 days and counting

Two weeks from today I'll be going on a river trip with hippos and crocs and then traveling off to Shakaland for a stayover. The anticipation is over-the-top. I can hardly contain my excitement. I know I'll miss my family and especially my sweet boy, but I'll come home and have so much exciting adventure and lessons of love to talk about. I had a revelation the other day while laying down with Te as I put him to bed that I would more then likely cry myself to sleep a couple nights cause I know I will miss him so. For two weeks I won't be able to hug and kiss on him, but my profound ability to love will be shared with many more children who don't get the hugs and love they need or want from parents who do not exist. So many things to do in preparation since I always do things under the gun. I need to make myself about four lists so I know what's going on here, what I need to do and bring to prepare for Africa, what I need to do to help Jeff - make sure all my child care is lined out. It's mind-boggling, however, what doesn't get done will have to wait and in all reality not really a pressing matter.

Anticipation...

19 more days and we'll be on a plane routed to Johannesburg, South Africa. Time moves so swiftly that what now feels like forever, will be here shortly. We'll be in South Africa for two weeks - and we have at this moment just over two weeks before departure. Oh how I will miss my boy. He changes and grows each day - and it will be enlightening to see his evolution upon my return. I am trying to prepare Jeff for my return home so to lighten the emotional load when I come home and decompress. Jeff of course had to remind me that I still have to contend with the attention of a two-year-old who will be over the top gleeful to see his momma. We'll see though - perhaps Te will have tons of question. He knows I am going to Africa to help kids and keeps asking and telling me he wants to help babies. In due time we will give him the opportunity to give back and at an early age learn the gift of giving. Right now he's sitting beside me watching Brother Bear and he is so endearing. The little habits, body language, everything that already defines who he is - my goal is to help him to develop into a strong spiritual individual who leads with his heart and through examples like South Africa can I teach my child about giving. So looking forward to this most blessed experience. May God watch over us and our families keeping us all safe while we help him spread his love.

Head Shot

Jeannine from SVF said she needed a head shot of me for my lanyard so I did a quickie self-portrait series at work at arms length. Thought these were kind of funny so I am posting them to remind me of what a dork I am! Had a great maternity shoot today - and today it is a beautiful day in the Valley.

1973

This is the image I was talking about where Jeff & Te look so similar - the expression and everything. Sweet boys, eh?

A boy and his horse

Today Pop-pop Tom came over with a bag and a box of photos for Jeff and I to peruse. There is a Nodzu family reunion coming up in August prior to Jeff's cousin's (Diane) wedding in Salt Lake. Karen who is organizing the event wants everyone to provide baby pictures. It was fun to go through the images and see the connections among family and friends. I happened upon a photo that I had to extract from the pile because it is an image of Jeff when he was about two - the same age as Te, and they look almost identical. I think it's the expression - I will get it posted as soon as I scan it in.

I took this pic yesterday when Te & Jeff were arriving at the Market before Te caught a glance of his momma. I think it is such a endearing image.

29 days and counting

We are 29 days away from departure to South Africa - talk about being nervous and excited. It's time to buckle down and start assembling all the items I need during travel. I have a friend who intends to host a party for me so that I can acquire my necessities that still need purchase - which is an awesome gesture. It frightens me in a sense knowing I will be away from my baby for 16 days - he will be a changed little dude - much like his momma when I return. Every day Te changes, he makes new discoveries, says new things, constantly evolving and absorbing his world around him. The boy is a chatterbox so I am sure I'll get an earful when I come home, I am hoping that when I call home from South Africa that he will be delighted to talk to me on the phone. The other day I was telling SVF Founder, Jeannine Smith, that this whole experience seems too surreal and that it will continue to be surreal even when I come back home. I still can't believe we're going to South Africa. I guess Africa was one continent I never really gave much thought too - until I met Jeannine - and then it was a matter of "who knows, if ever, maybe." Well it's none of those things, it's real, and I leave in 29 days. Thanking God every day for this wonderful opportunity to grow in spirit knowing when I return I will be different - always in a good way - and grateful that God made it happen for me.

Today a toast to my daddy - to teaching me about letting my soul sing and dance in this physical manifestation, that this reality is only temporary and that we are meant to make the most of living. It is a profound experience - an opportunity to grow in spirit - and every day grateful to be alive. Thank you daddy, Happy Birthday.